Things I Will Not Do in Alagaesia
by Jedi Master Evenstar
Summary: Thses are 63 things i promise though with some giggling to never do in Alagaesia. Written during Earth Scince. R & R


I will not draw parallels between Eragon and Luke Skywalker's life just to creep him out.

I will not call Saphira "Puff the Magic Dragon."

I will not call the elves "stupid hippies".

I will not call the Urgals "ugly trolls".

I will not tell the elves that Santa says vacation's over and they need to get back to the North Pole.

I will not beg Oromis to teach me cuss words in the ancient language.

I will not play matchmaker for Saphira and Thorn/Glaedr/Shruikan/Pete's Dragon.

I will not play matchmaker for Galbatorix and Durza.

I will not play matchmaker for Eragon and Nasuada. I will let them take their own sweet time with that.

I will not constantly ask Murtagh if I can see his scar just to see him with his shirt off.

I will not eat meat in front of the elves and offer them some.

I will not ask the elves if the reason they have pointy ears is because of the lack of protein in their diets.

I will not tell Elva she reminds me of the girl in _The Exorcist_.

I will not potentially put myself in danger just so Elva has to help me.

I will not get into an argument with Angela about how frogs are really toads, not vice versa.

I will not call Solembum "Pretty Kitty".

I will not get a gedwëy ignasia tattooed on my hand and claim I'm a Dragon Rider.

I will not mock Galbatorix's baldness.

I will not give Galbatorix a wig for his birthday and insist he wears it.

I will not play Keep Away from Galbatorix with the last dragon egg.

I will not get Galbatorix to make Murtagh do stupid things just because he knows Murtagh's real name.

I will not tell Murtagh I think Thorn's just a dark shade of pink.

I will not tell Murtagh it wasn't nice to steal Zar'roc from Eragon and that he should learn to share with his little brother.

I will not ask Murtagh if I can call him "Murtagh the hottest guy to ever have a psycho brother that gets emo every time Arya tells him to put aside his feelings and focus on his training".

I will not stab Durza through the heart with a collapsible sword and yell, "I HATH SLAIN THEE!"

I will not call Eragon or Murtagh a son-of-a-Foresworn.

I will not call the Twins "Thing 1 and Thing 2".

I will not call Arya "Arwen", Eragon "Aragorn", or Orik "Gimli".

I will not tell Arya that the Easter Bunny is a better egg courier than her.

I will not call Arya an old lady.

I will not claim that I'm Saphira's true Rider and that Eragon is just a Foresworn imposter.

I will not sic Eragon's fangirls on him.

Ditto Murtagh's.

I will not tell Arya that since she blew off Eragon, she's going to live forever alone and unloved.

I will not steal Saphira's scales while she's sleeping to make a necklace.

I will not tell Thorn he's a real "Thorn in my side".

I will not tell any of the dragons that dragon eggs look more like giant jellybeans.

I will not constantly tell Eragon that his brother's hotter.

I will not attempt to steal a piece of Brom's tomb.

I will not try to mentally scar Eragon by forcing him to read an Eragon/Murtagh, Eragon/Saphira, or Saphira/Thorn fan fic.

Ditto Murtagh, but replace Eragon/Saphira with Murtagh/Saphira.

I will not lock Eragon and Murtagh in a closet together just to see who kills who first.

I will not lock a drunk Arya and Eragon in a closet together just to see two elves do it.

I will not lock Eragon and Trianna in a closet together and keep Saphira from interfering this time.

I will not constantly ask Saphira for rides.

I will not constantly ask Thorn for rides with Murtagh.

I will not make fun of Roran's stupid battle hammer he stole from a random blacksmith. Oops, too late.

I will not constantly call Katrina a Mary Sue, even though she totally is one.

I will not remind Arya that she didn't talk to her mom for 80 years just because she got a yawë (if I got a tattoo, the longest my mom and I would go without talking would probably only be a month).

When Arya uses her green magic, I will not yell, "Ewwww!! You farted!!"

I will not call Oromis "Yoda" or "Gandalf".

I will not point at Glaedr's stump of a leg and ask him if he "needs a hand".

I will not ask Orik if dwarf women have beards too.

I will not shout, "YOU MISSED!" when Eragon is practicing sparring by himself.

I will not try to force the dwarves to whistle while they worked.

I will not tease Eragon about him crying over Brom's death.

Ditto the time Arya dumped him while he was on morphine.

I will not tell Eragon that his whole human/elf look creeps me out.

I will not try to scry Murtagh while he's changing.

I will not whisper things in Eragon's ear while he's asleep to influence his dreams.

I will not sneak into Arya's room while she's trying to sleep and whisper in her ear, "Eragon loves you!"

I will not make up words in the ancient language and claim they're a spell to make people stupid.

I will not ask Galbatorix if he really wants to go through with his whole "wipe out the Varden and create an army of evil Dragon Riders" plan since it's gotten "so Star Wars".


End file.
